We are currently searching for a few replacements. First, and again, a QB. Applicants need only have seen a game or two before. No special skills, footwork, or timing necessary. Second, we are looking for AN ENTIRE SECONDARY. All positions. Corners need only have two legs, two hands, and one good eye. Finally, punter needed. Someone to get the ball across the line of scrimmage. 25 yard average desired, fewer yards per punt and comparable background in kicking into endzone from opposition's 40 will be considered.
Today you are in luck. I have 3rd degree sunburn on my face and arms, I just returned from a 4 hour OT LOSS to Northwestern (yes, that Northwestern), and I may or may not have had a drink or two. Settle in, this is going to get ugly.
This is the story of MSU football this year: 4 steps forward, 1/2 step back, warp speed time machine-like effort in Michael J. Fox's Delorean to the Stone Age, where defense was apparently yet to be discovered. Also offense was limited to a four (yes 4) play playbook. MSU looked like a public school JV team trying to tackle the Dallas Cowboys. In fact, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders could have tackled better. Today's team would have made former Lion Joey Harrington look like Peyton Manning. On steroids. That's how bad the defense was. ALMOST as bad as the second half against Michigan a few years ago, when we gave up a 21 point lead in a quarter. That bad.
The final score was 48-41 in overtime. That was lucky.
WE
LOOKED
LIKE
SHIT
Let's just say--assume NU had 600 yards of offense (which I honestly think is less than they really had)--500 yard were after the catch/after the first tackle was missed. I'm not kidding. NU ran: screens to wide receivers (laterals that went for 15 yards), draws (late handoffs for 15 yards), and slants (4 yard passes that go for 15 yards). NU was, I think, 13 for 19 on 3rd down. That's a joke. We should have lost by 20 the way we played defense. No coverage or tackling at all. None.
Special teams. Wow. We had an extra point blocked. I mean...an extra point. An extra point. Blocked. (yes, those are complete thoughts, and thus sentences on a day like this) Did we settle for that achievement? Hell no. We decided to have a punt go approximately 15 yards and directly out of bounds. From where? Oh, I don't know, about our own 30. No big deal. Is that the worst of it you ask? Oh no, we can top that. We had a punt blocked from our own 45. On 4th and 2. When we probably should have gone for it, we played it safe, and GOT A PUNT BLOCKED.
I'm getting a headache just writing this.
Finally, our beloved offense. I will say this: if Javon Ringer wasn't such a GD stud we would have lost by about, oh, I'd say, 3000 points today. He had (pause, looking up stats to support article) 12 carries for 185 (ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY FIVE) yards. We lost the game. That is only (pause, using calculator) 15.4 yard per carry. We actually had an 80 yard drive that took 13 seconds. Ringer took the pitch down the right sideline and scored. I suggested he then be moved to QB, corner, and safety. No word on whether the coaches are considering this for next week.
Oh, Hoyer blows. I mean BLOWS. He's not a division one QB. I suppose he could be, there are a lot of Division I schools. He is not a BIG TEN, ACC, SEC, PAC10, WAC, BIG 12...who am I forgetting...BIG EAST, SWAC...he shouldn't be playing for any school in any of those conferences. He's slow. Not in the feet (well, yes, in the feet too), but in the head. He takes bad sacks. He makes late throws into coverage. He had a certain first down today scrambling but decided to throw into double coverage in the end zone. That was 3rd down and 10 in overtime. It was bad. 4th down and game? Incomplete pass to a guy that had coverage on him like white on rice. Just bad.
Play calling? Bad. Bad. Bad. Northwestern, and I'm not kidding, ran about 7 plays all day. Screen, slant, draw. Screen, slide, draw...3rd and long? Throw a fade to a wide receiver...1. he won't be covered, 2. he'll be given a 15+ yard cushion when you only need 12 yards for the first down . Just walk to the first down marker, turn around, catch the ball. Same goes for offensive play calling. We have the imagination of Alan Greenspan on offense. Run, run, then pass to someone who is covered. Punt (poorly). I like running the ball, but (and I'm not kidding) I said out loud 75% of the time what the offense was going to run. I COULD PREDICT IT. I'm retarded. Think it would be easy for the future doctors of America (Northwestern University) to figure out?
This coming weekend is homecoming. Indiana is in town. They run the spread offense as well. Hopefully this week's open tryouts find a few tuba players, a sand trap specialist, and a standout pole vaulter to take over at a few specialty positions. This week was embarrassing. How bad? A few weeks ago NU lost to Duke (yeah, that Duke). Next week we look to move toward 4-3 when we lose homecoming to IU.
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